Freeper Fallout

I wanted to be done with the damned election but I have a slot to fill before going on hiatus and it's still providing material. Not just in lots of self-congratulatory malarkey, but in exquisite squeals of pain and confusion from the losers.

If you're not familiar with Free Republic you're not missing much. It's a crudely coded message board for the bedrock conservative faithful, the types who rant about Democrats being neostalinist authoritarians in the same breath as reviling the "homosexual agenda" and calling for anti-sodomy laws without a shred of cognitive dissonance. So "rock" is awfully descriptive.

And they are frickin' hilarious when they lose. I had some fun reporting their meltdown four years ago in my previous blag and thought it would make for a nice tradition. First up - some partisan yob who sends his disabled uncle a check every once in a while discovers said uncle voted for Obama. Gasp and such! What should he do, he asks his fellow freepers?

"Cut him off. Let the big government he loves so well take care of him."

"Yes, you should cut it in half because politics is more important than family."

That's the sorta Christian love you can expect from freepers - though I'm not really sure if the second guy is being sarcastic. It looks like it but you quickly learn by following the constant stream of freeps that none of them have a head for nuance. Very binary thought processes, like so -

"New revenues 'under the right conditions' are acceptable to Republicans as part of a deal to reduce the deficit, House Speaker John Boehner said Wednesday. But Boehner, speaking a day after his party retained its House majority in elections, said revenue should come through growth and reform, not higher tax rates."

The article title explicitly says "taxes" and since message board members only ever read titles -

"Sold down the river....."

"We need a wartime Speaker!"

"MELT THE SWITCHBOARDS, MELT THE SWITCHBOARDS, FIRE BOEHNER NOW!!!"

A few try to calm their fellow apes -

"He most likely is referring to closing loopholes for revenue which is what Romney was also proposing and what conservatives have wanted for years (to simplify the tax code)"

- but it's hardly enough to quell the idiot rage of the true believers.

"We need to “Go Galt. I’m ok with America crashing now. I’ve come to terms with the inevitability. Let’s get it over with so we can start to re-build. Is Texas and OK going to secede? Somebody call me. I’ll need a place to stay when we get there. :o)"

These dorks have a real mad-on for Texas. I don't get it, but I've actually been to Texas. It's the big, garish buckle of the Mean-and Stupid Belt I keep telling you all about. And on that note -

"And where is George W Bush? No republican would dare go near him. We allow the fantasy that he caused a disaster after Katrina. We allow Obama to blame 'them' again and again for the economy- and 'they' is George W Bush, not the real culprits, filthy leftists degenerates like Barney Frank. "

So we're clearly dealing with a delusional bunch here. They've spent so much time in their little echo chamber, they think all their nonsense is self-evident fact -

"This is not my American anymore. I may go to the Veteran’s parage on Sunday and salute the flag one last time. Then turn my back when the float with all the politicans come by. Then again, I may just go get some free food."

"I’m ALL for those rich Dems who voted for this Socialist pig to get EXACTLY what they deserve..they love Socialism so much..fine..I am all for them paying their 'Fair share' take 70 percent of their wealth, just like in France..they want to live like France, its about time they learn what Socialism REALLY is"

The horrors of French socialism.

Or indulge in retarded conspiracy theories to explain their own failure -

"Something just doesn't add up about this whole election. I’m thinking massive amounts of fraud or voting numbers misreported."

"Told my wife that the liberals have had four years to reflect on the last election and fine tune the fraud machine. It was not a fluke, I would stake my left gonad that it was stolen."

"Wasn’t there some story about a Soros-owned Spanish Company who was to count the votes?"

Oh no, not español! Which brings me to the heart of all conservative politics across every nation - good ol' racism!

"'We voted – now let’s get things done. That was the strong takeaway today from Latino leaders and activists during a discussion of the sweeping and historic Latino vote in yesterday’s election.' Unfortunately, 'let’s get to work' translates to 'open the borders'."

"Republicas are inclusive. Now for the HIspanics to learn American history and the concepts of democratic rule."

"It's up to them to adapt to us; not the other way around."

"Let’s get to work? I cut my own grass, thank you........."

"This is a foreign invasion legal and illegal. 12 million voters were hispanic add to that the blacks and you see the problem.I see the cities overrun with foreign immigrants."

"Anyone noticed when you have to fill out a government form and you check mark race if your white you also have a new box that ask non hispanic non latino. Our government knows their not a minority their considered Caucasian or White!"

"Time for America to turn into Mexico Norte. "

"Ok beaners, get to work. Cut my lawn you pricks. I’ll never forgive them for doing this to my country."

There's also lots of fussing about RINOs, or Republicans-In-Name-Only, and fretting that the Democrats will run Hillary in 2016 - whom the freepers see as electorally invincible despite being the most hated woman in America. You get the idea, these people are dumb. And they're just the sort of dumb that goes on for ponderous length about how smart they are and how stupid everyone else is, proving the exact opposite of their intended point. Like so -

"I feel so stupid. I have an accredited IQ of over 160, and it seems I am an idiot. I have been put in my place. If given 99 more times to vote against socialism and Obama I would because because logic would dictate no other action. But I was truly wrong and stupid to over estimate the intelligence of the common person. I was wrong and stupid to under estimate the selfishness and immorality of the self entitled cursed with the inability to reason. I hold no anger or contempt for the unwashed masses that have sentenced us all to mediocrity followed by abject failure. The only humane reaction is to pity those that lack the ability to reason, lack the confidence and perseverance to trust in ones self ability to be productive and to survive. For they will be robbed of the feeling of achievement which is what separates the human being from the poop throwing primates. Today we bid farewell to the world's last good hope of freedom. The once shining light of productive spirit and moral fortitude has been quenched. We will all bear the price of the immoral self entitled electorate. We will all pay the invoice levied by the uninspired. To Ben Franklin, John Adams,Thomas Jefferson, and the other founders... Thank you. It was a good run. Your experiment worked for two hundred years and produced the greatest of all in history. Thanks for the memories."

That there's some good schadenfreude.

Four More Years of Hell

I'm writing this Tuesday morning because the result has been that obvious since the first GOP debate. And because the next four years would be like the last even if Romney won - mean and stupid.

Still gonna gloat though.

Just think back to when the Tea Party kicked off. It may have been mid-wived by the Koch empire but it's been fueled by very real and very stupid rage. Not at the idea of "socialized medicine," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. And it sure wasn't about government overreach. They just didn't like the idea of everyone getting the same goodies.

Of course they tried to sound principled about it - and when mean hicks try to sound principled they sound even stupider. Cue all the calls of, "Get yer gub'mint hands off mah Medicare!" Or all the rants about how Obama is a secret Kenyan-Muslim-Communist - it's laughable bullshit, but it's the only "principled" way for an aging white tribe to express their displeasure at seeing a successful black man in the White House.

"I'm angry! And stupid!"

Or how about the minarchist brainwave that rode in with the cranky old racists? All that crap about worrying about the deficit? 'Cause that really is crap, not just in a strictly economic sense but also in the sense that none of the "Oh no, deficits!" talk is in any way sincere.

An American conservative only whines about national debt when a Democrat's in office. When the GOP's in charge, you might hear a few grumbles about all the welfare going to lazy brown people. You sure won't hear a goddamn thing about the two hundred million dollar boondoggle called the F-35, from the Tea Party or even the libertarian fifth column over at Reason. Drones are bad and stuff and we should all be scared of Obama's fleet of aerial killbots... but never mind the planes that cost a hundred times more per unit and do the exact same fucking thing.

Seriously, you ever want to see how intellectually and morally bankrupt libertarianism really is, just search Reason Magazine for any mention of the F-35 and watch them split rhetorical hairs over supporting what they admit is "the most expensive procurement program in military history" but still better than those eeevul drones! Though this shouldn't be surprising as a Texas Republican loves the hunk of junk and libertarianism is nothing but the GOP's outreach to the pothead vote.

"So much rolling paper!"

This is the ugly reality you can never admit in America - that so many Americans are just spiteful fools. Not in a What's the Matter with Kansas? way, with them being good at heart and easily manipulated through Protestant blubbering. They're just rotten to the core.

And it works. Those gray hairs and their elaborate bitch-fit managed to make a compromised, watered-down healthcare bill even more watered-down and compromised. And even Obama is taking the deficit "very seriously." Because he can't actually fix it, since that would involve billionaires paying a little more than the lowest taxes in history.

All this mad bullshit, it's been poisoning this country for the past four years. And it's still gonna be here, no matter who's in office.

George Allen Sucks

I don't really care about the presidential campaign. Mostly because all the economic talk has been stupid and the result is predictable. And I live in Virginia, where there's a real election to worry about.

I have the dubious honor of having met George Allen. He spoke at my college graduation in 2005 and even the Young Republicans thought he was a boner. He spent about an hour stumping for Bush - after the little draft-dodging cokehead had scored a second term - and threw in some vague lines about how science is good and stuff. To a predominantly liberal arts school.

This is why George Allen is just so goddamn terrible. Not only is he a cartoonishly racist carpet-bagger who moved here because his home state of California didn't hate brown people enough for his liking. Not only is he a desperately partisan sycophant without an original idea in his head. But he is all of these things and still manages to be bad at being terrible!

"'Sup, hos?"

That vacous smile of his? That ain't an act, that's his default setting. He's one of the few racists who really is just ignorant, rather than steeped in tribal and cultural baggage. He regurgitates the party line by reflex because things like context are too complicated for him. And, when facing a middle of the road Democrat, the best he can come up with is a "cheerleader for Obama!" gif. He does horrible completely by the numbers! No creativity, no effort, and the only thing he's ever shown real initiative in is toxifying Virginia's water.

So I really don't care who's president. We're losing our earned benefits either way in a totally phony "debt crisis." But I'd prefer not to have some inept dildo representing me in the Senate. Being a Virginian is embarassing enough as it is with the Grand Wizard as governor.

Big Government Works

So after a year of the national dialogue revolving around who can throw out more of the federal government, God in His infinite wisdom sent the mother of all storms to bitch-slap some sense into us.

There have been forty-five confirmed deaths so far. That's terrible in and of itself, but let's look at the cold statistics. There are over eight million people in New York - 45 ot of 8,000,000 ain't half bad. It's a hell of a lot better than the last time we got hit by a once in a century storm.

This is what "freedom" looks like.

Galveston, Texas, 1900. An era before FEMA or big government of any sort except the Army. Somewhere between 6 to twelve thousand dead - hey, no real census gathering either - almost a sixth of the total population of some thirty-seven thousand at the time. Devastation on such a scale that it even changed history! Galveston had been a city on the move, the Wall Street of Texas. Then it got flattened and now everyone's heard of Huoston instead.

Want a more recent example? There's Katrina - lax Federal response, incompetent State government, 1,800 dead. And that lax Federal response was thanks to George W. Bush pulling a Romney on FEMA in his first term. That's what governmnet-free life consists of. Death.

Good ol' American gumption versus 110mph winds ends in you're fucking dead.

Life gets so comfortable in America that we all tend to forget that shit happens. And when it happens to you, and you're on your own, you fucking die. Government is the only real insurance against that, being non-profit and for the people. Only fools would insist on going without it.

A Nanny State by Any Other Name...

The Romney-Ryan Campaign said it would focus on storm relief. If you have a functioning brain stem, your immediate reaction to such a claim should be, "What the hell can they do!?" Because Romney ain't president, he ain't even governor anymore. But he is still stinking rich.

"Romney, the GOP presidential nominee, will be joined by race car driver Richard Petty and country singer Randy Owen at what is billed as a 'storm relief event' in Kettering, Ohio."

We won't get in to how New York got the real drubbing from Sandy, but this speaks to something at the heart of conservative rhetoric in this country - we fucking love handouts. I know, everyone's supposed to be a rugged induhvidualist and all, but when things need fixing we're always happy for someone else to do it. For free.

What conservatives, libertarians, and other subomegaloids object to is how these handouts are administered. They absolutely refuse to have government do it, not because government is evil - except the libertarians but they're fucking morons - but because then it becomes something impersonal and equal. And these poor dweebs need to feel flattered by their betters stooping to help them - "Oh, thank you for the storm relief, Massa!" - something bloodless plutocrats like Romney are happy to indulge in because it reinforces his own sense of power.

Just a thought for today. A reminder that all this noise we've been hearing for the past year about the threat of Big Gub'mint is just that. Stupid noise by stupid people but useful to clowns like Romney.

Donald Trump: Professional Failure

The Donald decided he would be the October Surprise for this election and took to YouTube - like any monomaniacal retard - to offer five million dollars in charity if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport records. Obama's response deserves to be quoted in full -

"This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya. We had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn't very good and resented it. When we finally moved to America, I thought it would be over."

"Presidential pwn!"

So that little venture has crashed and burned, but that's nothing new for Trump. His entire professional career has consisted of making bad bets, boneheaded moves, and then bragging about it while suing the very people he ended up owing money to.

Like Trump Airlines. Or Trump Casinos. Or damn near anything to bear the name "Trump" including the comb-overed douchebag himself. Seriously, Donald Trump has owed nine hundred billion dollars personally over his consistent business failures. Not Trump Overcompensation Industries, but Donald himself, personally. His own personal debt exceeds several Third World countries combined!

Also, he is one gross looking sumbitch.

And he inherited his fortune. The man is as useless as training wheels on a horse.

It's fitting that Trump has turned to boosting the GOP, using the dumbest rightwing memes available. As his own record shows, he always fails.

The Sit and Spin Zone

Leave it to David Brooks to try and rehabilitate Paul Ryan's image following the righteous beatdown last week. As Matt Taibbi pointed out, not only did VP Biden call the little troll on his shoddy math but even the moderator demanded, "Do you have a way to make this tax cut work, yes or no?"

And Ryan, like any rat-fucker, tried to talk his way around it. He delivered this whole spiel on how they were going to work out the specifics in a bipartisan manner after the election. A Republican talking bipartisanship in this day and age! Only fools and shameless party flaks could take such claims seriously!

"You called?"

And David Brooks. While we probably shouldn't expect much from a man who conflates interior decorating trends with grand cultural change, to look at Ryan's transparent prevaricating and then write in the paper of record - "[Ryan] did an excellent job of demonstrating policy professionalism." - that should be grounds for reducing Brooks to a public laughingstock.

But that would involve recognizing that sometimes issues are more than just he-said-she-said sideshows. Sometimes one side is being truthful and the other is cranking out bullshit so lazy a toddler wouldn't be fooled. But too many American journalists - Brooks in particular - make a living off of promoting this false dichotomy. That Ryan was called out on his non-answer regarding his non-plan is the anomaly in our system. If that doesn't fill you with shame, you are what's wrong with democracy.

Rock 'em Sock 'em Candidates

There was a debate last night if you hadn't heard. Matt Taibbi has the best to say about it, being less concerned with crowing over Biden's victory than with the proper thrashing delivered to Ryan.

I'll say this though - it's Ayatollah! Singular! The Romney/Ryan ticket has been presenting itself as strident know-nothings on foreign policy for over a month now, but when you don't even know the titles in the one government on Earth that seriously hates us, you have no business playing Commander in Chief.

Ryan also repeated the "Russia is our enemy!" meme, a favorite of clueless yokels like his boss and Cold War fossils who are still cranky about not getting thermonuclear war. At least the bullshit from the Democrats is new bullshit, the GOP still thinks it can win by pitching the same policies that dominated from '00 to '08.

Which they can, since Americans are so damned stupid. Read the Taibbi post if you want more in-depth analysis. The gist of last night was Biden giving Ryan - and these failed policies - a long overdue drubbing.

From the Battleground

I've lived in Virginia 29 years and this is the first time I've seen it matter in an election. I hear it went for Obama in 2008 but the politics in this state are as schizophrenic as the weather. Exhibit A - George Allen can still show his face.

Mostly, this new status only means we get more and more damned campaign ads. I've never seen a campaign ad that wasn't pandering bullshit and neither have you. Because those ads don't exist. The intellectual high point of these have just been rehashing Mitt's 47% flub - which, as I've already pointed out, is a bullshit statistic. So it's bullshit debunking bullshit.

And no one in this state cares. Most of them if asked would repeat the same line as Romney, it being a popular meme among stupid people. What's really hurting Romney in Virgina is he pissed all over the State Department with his Libya gaff. That's the largest voting block in this state after DOD staff - not actual soldiers - and a bunch of racist Jesus freaks. That last group will always vote Republican because everyone knows Democrats are in league with Old Scratch but those State and DOD workers are usually who carry the election, being strident supporters of private enterprise and opposed to government spending.

Really. Damn near every State and DOD employed Virginian is most concerned about excessive government spending. Like I said, stupid people.

But people who understand when someone craps on them, like Romney did over Libya. So will that make Virginia go Obama again? Maybe, I don't really care. I'm voting for Barry just 'cause it angers up those technocratic dweebs I just described. American politics devolved to raw spite years ago and this is a spite that works for me for a change.

Romney Gets His Hate On

So we all know Romney made some nasty comments about them freeloaders who don't pay no federal income taxes. What we don't know is why his own party is now claiming distress that he did.

If you've been paying attention for the last thirty years, you know welfare recipients are the biggest target for the GOP besides brown people and non-existent commies. But see, that was all implied rather than outright stated. Romney, desparate for the approval of the hateful subomegaloids who make up the Republican base, just echoed their own utterly wrong gripes about the tax-and-spend government. And the freaks will never forgive him for it.

Understand this "They don't pay taxes!" thing is transparent bullshit. It's disproved by just two words - "sales tax" - but it gets at the shallow sense of fairness entertained by most Americans. If we're talking gross, then rich idiots are certainly paying more in taxes simply because any percentage of their income is going to be substantial.

Which is as it should be. Now, percentage-wise, Wall Street fools pay substantially less than you do, you sucker. But as few Americans demonstrate the ability to understand the distinction, this 47% meme persists all across message boards and blogs.

And Romney, looking for some means to appeal to his own indifferent base, latched on to this brainwave. The punditry are crying doom but remember there are far fewer of them than mathematically retarded spite-voters. That spite might still carry the election for Romney, if he can stick by his own nonsense.

Y'know, if he doesn't flip-flop...

A Culture of Failure

One thing I've always wondered about Mitt Romney is "Why?" Not just why he says the things he does or why an established moderate like him would want to represent a histrionic doomsday cult - but why in the hell should I ever vote for him?

"Stop laughing at me! You're all fired!"


The most common reason I here is "Because Obama!" Not being a slack-jawed racist, that doesn't do much to convince me. Yes, Obama is far from progressive and his economic policies are as tepid as it gets, but that's not a surprise if you were paying attention in 2008. I was, so I voted for Cynthia McKinney.

At least he's been damned good on defense, which is about all we can hope for from a president anymore. But, as John Dolan's most preferred pen name pointed out this week, being good at war doesn't count nearly as much in America as being loud about it.

Democrats of the post-war period have been universally better than their Republican counterparts when it comes to managing our imperial forces - with the notable exception of Mister Peanut in '79. But there continues in this culture a brainwave that Democrats are actually weak on defense while the GOP is the serious war party. This delusion is probably one of the reasons Democrats kick so much ass - always having to prove themselves and all - but it's much more reflective of an even more frequent brainwave in America.

Rewarding failure.

And as near as I can tell, that's the only reason Mitt has for pursuing the presidency. His latest pants-soiling move over the embassy attacks is just another in a long line of screw-ups for the Mormonbot - from his utter lack of charisma across two campaigns all the way back to his vulture days at Bain, making tons of money regardless of how well companies performed or how much he delivered to his own investors. Mitt's life has been one of grand rewards for not doing a damned thing and that's the real American way.

We've even seen it once already in the White House. George W. Bush the family screw-up, a chronic failure but one with connections to keep propelling him upwards. Others - Patreus, McChrystal, Trump, that petty tyrant boss of yours - all terrible at their chosen professions and all succeeding because results stopped mattering in this country long ago.

And that's why Mitt can still win. Even alienating half his own party and the State Department, even cravenly politicizing a national tragedy, he's still just enough of a loser to be president.

Convention Coverage is for Assholes

You probably know more about the conventions than I do and that makes me better than you. All I know is Ryan lied his greasy head off and the whole country still has Bubba Fever twelve years later. Now here's a Romney voter demonstrating the GOP attitude towards women -

Yes, this was a filler post.

Live from Dumbfuckistan!

Republicans still hate women, in case you forgot. And if you're too lazy to click that link, Missouri Senator Todd Akin recently said about rape pregnancies, "It seems to me first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare..."

Someone doesn't know how is babby formed...

Akin is rightly taking a shit-storm over this, even after apologizing. But most of the shit-storm is focused on his party's intractable misogyny rather than his much more glaring ignorance of basic biology. Now the odd elected official with less sense than a fourteen-year-old isn't noteworthy in itself, but Akin is another in a long line of Republican politicians and sockmonkeys to demonstrate this very specific ignorance.

Earlier this year, a whole mess of GOP leaders and stooges sounded off on the evils of birth control. Specifically, the evils of our tax money paying for each pill vulgar slatterns pop every time they want to get horizontal. Now aside from the fact that they seem to have been arguing we got universal healthcare when no one was looking, the "one pill per pounding" description they used is laughably wrong. If you're a woman, or have ever "known" a woman, you know the pill is an everyday thing, sex or not. Caroline Rhea even used that as part of her stand-up material, complaining that having to take "My loser pill!" everyday was just reminding her she wasn't getting laid.

So how could so many Very Important Men totally fuck up the facts of this issue? Because facts in America, especially scientific facts, are optional these days.

Let's take a look at Akin again - his claim is essentially that the female body can recognize when sex is nonconsensual and thus "choose" not to ovulate. If you've had a middle school health class, you should know ovulation is not a choice... but that would make Akin's opposition to abortion even in the instance of rape look horrible. And rightly so. Even Akin finds it horrible, so he desperately tries to rationalize and voila! Rape pregnancies are a choice!

This is the net effect of a culture where evolution is "just a theory" and where homosexuality, even in the deepest pit of the Bible Belt where it's little more than a death sentence, is a "lifestyle choice." Actual study of the phenomena offer different explanations, but those explanations make some people sad so we can't just accept them. It's the political correctness of the American Right, where reality is subordinate to making idiot hicks feel good about themselves.

The Romney Fear

Note: If you were expecting a piece on why Paul Ryan sucks, I did that already.

I'm actively avoiding the election as much as I can now. Not because it's devolved into mudslinging - as a proper American, I loves me a good fight - but because it's just all so sad and predictable.

"Romney Say: 'I am businesstron and will fix economy!'" "Obama Say: 'Businesstron no fix economy with shitty Bush Era ideas!'" "Romney Say: 'I make jobs with tax cuts!'" "Obama Say: 'You fail at math!'"

I'm paraphrasing, a little. And while it was refreshing to hear Obama outright say the neoliberal trickle down hoodoo failed, I just don't believe he really cares. I'm still voting for him but just because he kicks ass on national defense. Something Romney could clearly never do because he is simply too scared. Not just of losing or of having to come clean on his taxes but of everything.

From the start, Mitt Romney has lived his life to please other people. A sickeningly straight-laced Mormon who went into business, just like dear ol' dad. A venture capitalist in the '80s who couldn't even bring himself to revel in it, lest people get the wrong idea. A Republican governor of a blue state who acted like a centrist Democrat. A primary contender who twice appeared not so much passionate or principled as simply doing what was expected.

He even pillaged with only feigned joy.

And then, as a candidate, a gaffe-a-minute sideshow. From his early "I'm unemployed too!" flubs to his Foot-In-Mouth World Tour, Romney continues to say the absolute worst things short of obscure racial epithets. This would just make him another Republican but he can't stop at being an ass - he has to be your friend. After his swipe at London over whether or not they were prepared for the Olympics, he backpeddaled. Then he went to Israel to make some sweeping generalizations and praise socialized medicine - which he then had to try and doubleback on.

Romney's no idiot. He's not a genius but he's clearly smart enough to get by - so he had to realize at some point that praising Israel's commie healthcare wasn't such a good idea... but he had to make nice. That meant praising them. It makes him a good businessman because so much of business is just pleasant bullshitting. But that he couldn't tailor his message in context of his campaign, that he had to go all out, indicates this is a man scared to death of rejection.

"Why won't you love me!?"

And that is why Mitt Romney would be a terrible president. His economic policies are the same old horseshit but we can survive that. What we can't survive is another chicken for a Commander in Chief. Just look at last year's hit on Osama bin Laden - conservatives and other subomegaloids threw a fit at Obama's claims it took courage to order that. You might agree at first that just issuing an order doesn't take big brass ones but this wasn't just any order. This was sending America's super commandos to blow away the number one global bogeyman in hostile territory. What if they'd failed?

'Cause that happens plenty. DEVGRU and Delta have lots of guns and muscles but they'll go down from a well-placed 9 mil same as you. If it went down like that, we would have seen SEAL corpses all over al Qaeda's new recruitment videos and propaganda counts way more in irregular warfare than firepower.

Or what if bin Laden hadn't been there at all? No dead SEALs but one hell of an embarassment. Either way, Obama would've been a lame duck immediately. And it's worth mentioning that he could've taken the easy way out, sent a drone to do the dirty work... But then there's no ID on the target.

The last time we left it to air power, that old Saudi golem escaped and it's left a lasting national shame. Obama understood that couldn't happen again - but going commando had a much higher "embarassing fuck-up" factor. It was a gamble but it paid off, made Americans proud again, and reminded the world we are not to be fucked with.

Now what would a nervous sort like Mitt Romney do in that case? You don't have to think too hard, it already happened. In Tora Bora.

Why Do Republicans Hate America?

In all the noise about Obama shoring up the queer vote, very little time is given to an issue that will personally impact the majority of Americans - how much Mitt Romney hates this country. Namely, how much he hates this country doing for itself rather than hiring others, which effectively just adds another layer of bureaucratic dickering and costs a heap more money to reach the same goddamn result. In this case, his Medicare "reform" hooey.

Medicare is a big issue this year. The folks who don't understand how FIFA works are screaming that it's insolvent and everyone else isn't really paying attention, so this claim that it needs some sort of reform is being reported with seriousness. First off - for Medicare to become insolvent as many doomsaying nimrods insist will happen, the entire US economy would have to cease to exist. 'Cause see, that's how the whole tax and spend thing works.

Second - for Mitt's voucher scheme to work, you need to defund as much non-primary coverage as possible. The net result is that you are paying more for the same benefits, or what you pay now for inferior-to-no benefits. Otherwise the "competition" he claims this will create will all be one sided - all the old folks taking the Medicare-covered plans because they're cheaper and involve less fussing with insurance people. It's outsourcing, just like how your data entry job went to Kolkata.

And this is nothing new for a Republican candidate.

In 2003, Donald Rumsfeld - with the blessings of George W. Bush - set out to revolutionize American warfighting by doing it Wal-Mart style. Low cost and outsourced. Everything from washing BDUs to guarding viceroy Bremer was contracted out to some private company with no Congresisonal oversight. At a premium I might add, a premium of your tax dollars. You suckers.

Since then, we've witnessed a parade of corruption stories from the occupation. A hundred dollars for a load of laundry, GIs electrocuted in showers, empty trucks sent up and down IED-saturated highways so the contractors could pad their timesheets - with Army grunts doing the actual driving of course. They took to calling it "sailboat fuel."

And let's not forget that bastion of private enterprise efficiancy - Blackwater. All those mercenaries who cost the taxpayer a hundred times more than a real American soldier and like to spend their pay on raping 11-year-old girls. Yay free markets!

Now Romney wants to do the same thing with healthcare and people still think this is a good idea. I can see why Republicans hate America now - why should you gullible freaks get any healthcare in the first place?

All Aboard the GOP Waahmbulance

In the bad crazyness of the 21st century, you have to find joy wherever you can. That's why I like Barack Obama. He's a centrist wimp on the important stuff, but by virtue of being a successful black Democrat he manages something that always lifts my spirits - he drives Republicans crazy.

Let's dispense with the "pox on both your houses" posturing already. The Dems may be assholes but not one person with common sense or sufficient self-respect wants the GOP to stay in business. As if you need further evidence, you have this past week's outrage.

No, not Lena Dunham's miserable bourgeois backside - though that's plenty outrageous - I'm talking about that new Obama ad. The one where he displays bin Laden's scalp. And rightly so!

I wasn't as impressed as everyone else back when it happened and I stand by that "meh." But I don't have the slightest reservation about Obama doing a little boasting and not at all because the Republicans would've been even worse about it had the deed gone down with one of their own in the White House.

I'm rooting for Obama on this because it's about time we all admitted Democrats rock on national defense.

"Nancy Pelosi sends her regards!"

They're far from perfect. Hell, they're not much more than a friendly face on the same old crooked system. But give 'em a foreigner to blast the crap out of and they deliver perfectly every time.

Remember Mogadishu? That was the only operation in Somalia Clinton wasn't briefed on and he was spitting holy fire when he found out. Aidid handed back the captured black hawk pilot because ol' Bubba informed him in no uncertain terms that every US Marine would be shoved up Somalia's collective ass if it didn't give us back our man. Obama has continued that proud tradition of disproportionate retribution, not just with icing Osama but also with terrorizing pirates and generally making it clear that you do not fuck with the United States.

And it pisses the Republicans off because they know they could never do it too.

Let's look at the GOP's track record. Reagen? That reptile ran away from Hezbollah and sold weapons to Iran - when Khomeini was still in charge! - just so he could finance a bunch of peasant murderers in South and Central America. Eisenhower? Signed an armistice with North Korea. Technically, that war never ended. Kinda like how Dubbya's wars just won't end but just fail harder every year. And Nixon? I don't wring my hands over his Christmas Day bombing - good, cold strategic thinking - but his whole "Peace with Honor" deal was just fancy political talk for "Exit, stage left even!"

The only Republican of the post war period not to be an utter cock-up on defense was Bush senior. And that's because he bombed the bajeesus out of a bunch of conscripts who'd been getting bled by the Iranians for a decade. Those poor bastards were surrendering to CNN cameramen.

That's why the GOP is throwing such a fit over Obama displaying that bin Laden scalp. Not just because he beat them to it but because it's just further evidence that when Republicans fight the wars, the wars win.

The Return of Fake Outrage

What the hell is wrong with America? We've got plenty of real issues for the 2012 campaign, plenty of nasty crap that directly affects people's lives, but all you see on the news is an escalation of outrage over nonsense.

Take last week for example - Hillary Rosen, one of CNN's professional pinheads, says a millionaire lady has never worked a day in her life. Cue a Fox News shit-storm of how Democrats don't think mothers work and how Obama is waging a war on moms. I'm not linking to any examples because they're all stupid - all of 'em! - and you've probably seen it already.

Or how about this week - Ted Nugent continues his impotent gun nut posturing by not-so-subtly hinting he'll go John WIlkes Booth if Obama is re-elected. He says it on video - like the moron he is - at some NRA circle jerk with a big fat loser in a Ron Paul shirt behind him. Funny thing is, threatening the President of the United States is actually a fellony so now the washed-up STD incubator is getting visits from the Secret Service. Good schadenfrued but as issues go it's just as non-existent as Rosen.

And in between? Well, the GOP blocked a much needed tax hike on the bankster scam artists who crashed the economy and some soldier leaked a bunch of photos of his buddies posing with Afghan body parts. That upset the Pentagon, who've generated another phony debate about how publishing the photos will just make the Afghans angry at us.

Because obviously they were okay with being blown up in the first place. It's seeing pictures of what they directly experience every day that'll hamper the whole "hearts and minds" thing...

Jesus, is this really what we talk about? Either the nattering of asshole nobodies or some sophomoric attempt at Orwellian perception mamagement? Has America really become that retarded!?

...You know, it has. Fuck the election, not like it matters who steers this ship of fools if everyone else is blowing holes in the hull.

A Rush to Failure

Watching the primitive screwheads rebel against Emperor Seth's contraception initiative is hilarious as well as heartening. Not just because of the apparent truth that folks like Rush Limbaugh and Rick Santorum don't understand female anatomy, but because of the deeper truth exposed by this latest fiasco. A truth that's been staring everyone in the face since last fall but we've all been too afraid to admit it. As if articulating such a godsend will reverse it. But with this latest circus, I feel pretty comfortable in stating a simple fact -

The GOP is going to lose in November.

Commence the Freud jokes!

Not because Obama is the best choice. He may be better relative to the crop of extended-primary choices but he's nowhere near what this country needs to turn things around. And it's not because Americans have suddenly found basic human decency. No, the GOP is going down for the simple reason that they can't get their shit together.

They had a good run, trading on the spite of white middle-class losers who were still sore at the 60s for some reason. But that party's ending and we're all presently watching the awful collective hangover and shocked faces that all but say, "I slept with that!?"

The end began back in 2008. Something about losing to a Democrat - and a black one at that - just sent the Republican Party and their supporters into a tailspin of crazy. Several years of paranoid - and very stupid - rhetoric later and we've got a gaggle of has-beens, no-beens, and Ron "I Don't Understand How the Federal Government Actually Works" Paul desperately campaigning for the most reactionary and irrelevant corners of the American electorate.

While I hesitate to call this a victory, I can't help feeling all warm and fuzzy at the sight of this once terrible ogre hobbled by its own weight.

Ghosts of Goldwater

Mitt's a' surgin', Newt's a' glurgin', and Ron Paul's little fans are doin' their usual Aspergen' as the great Indecision 2012 Pre-Game comes to it's godforsaken conclusion.

This time, Florida was the designated kingmaker. We've been through this all before, how the tired old sods in X State are going to deliver the final verdict on who has the most electable hairdo. It's bullshit - boring bullshit, the worst of all. I'll wager no matter how well Romney does, the fight will still last right up until the convention with delegates sneering at each other. There will be a hearty mix of cheers and boos when the poor Mormon-bot accepts the nomination.

And then he'll lose to Obama. Not because he's the good guy here. What, you still thought the world had a nice clean moral lesson for you? You think Stalin beat Hitler because he was nice!?

So this is still an elaborate sideshow - like I've been saying - because all the other news is uglier.

But that's not to say there aren't some things to learn from the elephant rodeo. Not morals obviously but some very nasty facts about the collective American consciousness. Like how reactionary it is.

I've already singled out Ron Paul as a grumpy old fart scared of the modern world but the reason such a charlatan has taken off is that he speaks to some deep ugly sentiments. See, Americans are a very scared people. It's how we got eight years of Bush, not in spite of his disregard for civil liberties and diplomatic nuance but because Americans by and large prefer getting strip searched at the airport if it makes them feel a little more secure.

And yes, I'm familiar with the Ben Franklin quote. I won't debate it because nobody cares anymore or has for some time.

Even in the 21st Century, conservatism in America is still just a frightened reaction to the social changes of the 60s. Barry Goldwater lead the charge back then, also wrapped in the Libertarian banner, and the Grand Old Party has yet to abandon his tactics. They're generally more coy about it now, using "welfare" to mean "brown people" though Newt's been a hoot about saying it quite openly - and acting perplexed why the coloreds don't understand he's totally on their side!

"Why are you people so uppity?"

Here, see if you can put the name to the quote -

"It's time to stop the spread of government dependency and fight it like the poison it is."

"Capitalism should not be condemned, since we haven't had capitalism."

"I do not undertake to promote welfare, for I propose to extend freedom."

"If you're not brave, you're not going to be free."

"I'm the most underdog underdog there is. "

Goldwater or Gingrich? Yesterday or yesteryear? I could tell ya, but that would spoil the fun. Hell, it could all be Goldwater - you could show up at the primary just quoting his silly little book and be hailed the new frontrunner, bold new ideas and all.

It sells at the rallies and debates because the crowd they're addressing, conservatives and Tea Partiers, are by and large the losers of the 60s. People who hid themselves away from the changes, refused sex and drugs, and are still bitter that the damn longhairs got all the good tail.  Especially with that last one. Conservatives are just enamored with playing the victim because in their mind they always are.

I have to laugh whenever I see empirical research into common conservative talking points - food stamp demographics, the fictional bell curve - because all of those are grounded in facts and logic. That's not what modern conservatism is about, it's an emotional response of the scared stupid. And it hasn't changed in fifty years.

"Tax cuts and BRRAAAIIINNSS!"

The Dumbest Show on Earth

I haven't been paying much attention to the primaries lately. Mostly because I know without looking that they're just going through the motions of crowning Romney the nominee. And damn am I ever right - Senator Man-on-Dog dropped to 9% in New Hampshire last week with Romney galloping past 25%. This is a victory for some reason. You'd think they could make up some better sounding statistics but no, everyone insists 25% is very impressive for a guy who's been campaigning for six years.

I'll be sad to see the primary go, not just because it means a Bachmann presidency will cease to be a possibility. It was never a probability but I was banking on the possibility. The rest was an amusing sideshow and good SNL material.

But now we're in for nearly a year of Romney v. Obama trying to present themselves as different in any way that matters. Mitt was kind enough to offer this -

Ahahahahahahaha!!! Good ol' Mitt! Always the entertainer!

'Cause that's all this mess is, even when it's the real election and not just the extended coming out party we've been throwing for Romney since last July. Neither of these screwheads are going to fix the economy. They can't. Doing so would involve fighting back against the great Hayekian delusions of 21st Century America - taxing the rich bad, austerity good, national debt equals personal debt because no one at the policy level understands their own fucking job. No matter who loses, Wall Street wins.

The real show this year is going to be Occupy, especially in California. And it ain't gonna be pretty, or successful as I'll explain next...