Friday, November 9, 2012

Freeper Fallout

I wanted to be done with the damned election but I have a slot to fill before going on hiatus and it's still providing material. Not just in lots of self-congratulatory malarkey, but in exquisite squeals of pain and confusion from the losers.

If you're not familiar with Free Republic you're not missing much. It's a crudely coded message board for the bedrock conservative faithful, the types who rant about Democrats being neostalinist authoritarians in the same breath as reviling the "homosexual agenda" and calling for anti-sodomy laws without a shred of cognitive dissonance. So "rock" is awfully descriptive.

And they are frickin' hilarious when they lose. I had some fun reporting their meltdown four years ago in my previous blag and thought it would make for a nice tradition. First up - some partisan yob who sends his disabled uncle a check every once in a while discovers said uncle voted for Obama. Gasp and such! What should he do, he asks his fellow freepers?

"Cut him off. Let the big government he loves so well take care of him."

"Yes, you should cut it in half because politics is more important than family."

That's the sorta Christian love you can expect from freepers - though I'm not really sure if the second guy is being sarcastic. It looks like it but you quickly learn by following the constant stream of freeps that none of them have a head for nuance. Very binary thought processes, like so -

"New revenues 'under the right conditions' are acceptable to Republicans as part of a deal to reduce the deficit, House Speaker John Boehner said Wednesday. But Boehner, speaking a day after his party retained its House majority in elections, said revenue should come through growth and reform, not higher tax rates."

The article title explicitly says "taxes" and since message board members only ever read titles -

"Sold down the river....."

"We need a wartime Speaker!"

"MELT THE SWITCHBOARDS, MELT THE SWITCHBOARDS, FIRE BOEHNER NOW!!!"

A few try to calm their fellow apes -

"He most likely is referring to closing loopholes for revenue which is what Romney was also proposing and what conservatives have wanted for years (to simplify the tax code)"

- but it's hardly enough to quell the idiot rage of the true believers.

"We need to “Go Galt. I’m ok with America crashing now. I’ve come to terms with the inevitability. Let’s get it over with so we can start to re-build. Is Texas and OK going to secede? Somebody call me. I’ll need a place to stay when we get there. :o)"

These dorks have a real mad-on for Texas. I don't get it, but I've actually been to Texas. It's the big, garish buckle of the Mean-and Stupid Belt I keep telling you all about. And on that note -

"And where is George W Bush? No republican would dare go near him. We allow the fantasy that he caused a disaster after Katrina. We allow Obama to blame 'them' again and again for the economy- and 'they' is George W Bush, not the real culprits, filthy leftists degenerates like Barney Frank. "

So we're clearly dealing with a delusional bunch here. They've spent so much time in their little echo chamber, they think all their nonsense is self-evident fact -

"This is not my American anymore. I may go to the Veteran’s parage on Sunday and salute the flag one last time. Then turn my back when the float with all the politicans come by. Then again, I may just go get some free food."

"I’m ALL for those rich Dems who voted for this Socialist pig to get EXACTLY what they deserve..they love Socialism so much..fine..I am all for them paying their 'Fair share' take 70 percent of their wealth, just like in France..they want to live like France, its about time they learn what Socialism REALLY is"

The horrors of French socialism.

Or indulge in retarded conspiracy theories to explain their own failure -

"Something just doesn't add up about this whole election. I’m thinking massive amounts of fraud or voting numbers misreported."

"Told my wife that the liberals have had four years to reflect on the last election and fine tune the fraud machine. It was not a fluke, I would stake my left gonad that it was stolen."

"Wasn’t there some story about a Soros-owned Spanish Company who was to count the votes?"

Oh no, not español! Which brings me to the heart of all conservative politics across every nation - good ol' racism!

"'We voted – now let’s get things done. That was the strong takeaway today from Latino leaders and activists during a discussion of the sweeping and historic Latino vote in yesterday’s election.' Unfortunately, 'let’s get to work' translates to 'open the borders'."

"Republicas are inclusive. Now for the HIspanics to learn American history and the concepts of democratic rule."

"It's up to them to adapt to us; not the other way around."

"Let’s get to work? I cut my own grass, thank you........."

"This is a foreign invasion legal and illegal. 12 million voters were hispanic add to that the blacks and you see the problem.I see the cities overrun with foreign immigrants."

"Anyone noticed when you have to fill out a government form and you check mark race if your white you also have a new box that ask non hispanic non latino. Our government knows their not a minority their considered Caucasian or White!"

"Time for America to turn into Mexico Norte. "

"Ok beaners, get to work. Cut my lawn you pricks. I’ll never forgive them for doing this to my country."

There's also lots of fussing about RINOs, or Republicans-In-Name-Only, and fretting that the Democrats will run Hillary in 2016 - whom the freepers see as electorally invincible despite being the most hated woman in America. You get the idea, these people are dumb. And they're just the sort of dumb that goes on for ponderous length about how smart they are and how stupid everyone else is, proving the exact opposite of their intended point. Like so -

"I feel so stupid. I have an accredited IQ of over 160, and it seems I am an idiot. I have been put in my place. If given 99 more times to vote against socialism and Obama I would because because logic would dictate no other action. But I was truly wrong and stupid to over estimate the intelligence of the common person. I was wrong and stupid to under estimate the selfishness and immorality of the self entitled cursed with the inability to reason. I hold no anger or contempt for the unwashed masses that have sentenced us all to mediocrity followed by abject failure. The only humane reaction is to pity those that lack the ability to reason, lack the confidence and perseverance to trust in ones self ability to be productive and to survive. For they will be robbed of the feeling of achievement which is what separates the human being from the poop throwing primates. Today we bid farewell to the world's last good hope of freedom. The once shining light of productive spirit and moral fortitude has been quenched. We will all bear the price of the immoral self entitled electorate. We will all pay the invoice levied by the uninspired. To Ben Franklin, John Adams,Thomas Jefferson, and the other founders... Thank you. It was a good run. Your experiment worked for two hundred years and produced the greatest of all in history. Thanks for the memories."

That there's some good schadenfreude.

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