Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Why Obama Sucks and Why You Should Still Vote For Him

We are screwed.

It's tough to admit, especially for Americans. "We're winners dammit!" might as well be the national motto. We're God's chosen landmass so we always have to win. Always. Even when illiterate sixteen-year-olds kick our ass from Kabul to Karballah. Even when we've abdicated all the comforts of a modern democracy like healthcare and an actual living standard to further fund oligarchs and a warfighting industry that's been losing for a decade. Even when we've outsourced and offshored our own economy into oblivion things have to keep looking up because we're goddamn winners!

That's the biggest barrier to Obama's re-election right now -- people still expect America to win even though it's already lost. Wall Street is a giant leech on everything from petrol to bread, the Pentagon shows no sign of contracting it's budget or succeeding at anything, and "The Heartland" as it's so fond of calling itself is now witnessing a steep decline in life expectancy.

Face it folks. The Great Experiment is over.

And that's why you should vote for Obama next year. Not because he's fixed anything and not because he could fix anything -- hell, nobody can fix this. But Obama is bound by either principle or some dusty old by-laws of his party to still throw scraps to the peasants. Sure the healthcare "reform" was a tragic joke and a giveaway to insurance companies, but he still squeezed a few provisions for real human beings into it -- just ask any kid staying on their parents' plan until age 26.

And he's been as imperial in his war powers as Bush Jooner, but at least he's keeping it small and relatively smart. Bombing Libya is a human rights catastrophe but the odds of Joe This-Beats-Wal-Mart coming home draped in Old Glory is much lower under Obama's watch than any of his opponents. He's even using that bin Laden scalp hanging on his mantle next to his madrassa diploma to leverage the brassholes into a troop draw-down in Afghanistan. No Republican ever would have purged that bloodthirsty psycopath McChrystal, or shuffled that political knob Patreus over to something he's more suited for (ie. handing out cash to the strategically convenient terrorists).

And as far as Wall Street... Hell, you expect any American politician to behave any different?

The choice in 2012 is going to come down to how you like your decline. It ain't getting fixed folks, so get used to third world conditions. If you prefer comfort and a little healthcare -- but just a little -- Obama is the way to go. But if you really want to torpedo what's left of America and let the Saudis buy up even more highways and parking meters... In that case, fuck you. I hope you get syphilis.

Friday, June 24, 2011

From the Vault: A Vote for Ron Paul is a Vote for Slavery

Originally posted January 2008. Reposted because it's happening all over again...

It's 4:50 AM on a Sunday morning and the shrieking alarm is telling you that if you don't get your lazy ass out of bed and over to the office you're going to be living on the sidewalk. So you get up, shower in lukewarm, mercury rich water, grab a glass of orange juice with spider eggs, and drive your one-mile-per-gallon clunker with no airbags or seatbelts down a road that alternates between potholes and bare dirt to an asbestos packed building with no windows to spend the next fourteen hours staring at a computer for twenty cents an hour and the possibility you'll be in the next round of layoffs.

You’d like to get another job, maybe something with air circulation, but you haven’t done anything else since you were twelve and don’t have the experience. You’d like to have someone take a look at that puss-leaking toe of yours too, just as soon as the next Christmas bonus clears. If you’re female, you’re most likely pregnant for a third time. There used to be a way to take care of that, before the public executions. But at least taxes are way down, right?

Welcome to Ron Paul's America, the place nobody wants to talk about.

You see, Paul is that special breed of Libertarian that doesn’t want any government except the part that pays his salary. A paranoid, fanatical little troll, he wants to gut the federal government of everything regardless of how it will affect the average citizen while at the same time enforcing draconian, medieval morality. But it’s okay, because he’s against the war.

A Ron Paul presidency would be the worst thing possible for America as only Paul is crazy enough to give the bloodsucking corporate oligarchs the freedom they so desire to rape you all day long. Worker rights, education, safety standards, all would be gone within the first hundred days reducing the bulk of the American citizenry to serfs. Then everyone can enjoy the wonder of the free market by paying nine hundred dollars for band-aids, or eating a Whopper made out of rats and snails -- at least until the ozone layer collapse.

Sure he opposes the WTO, just like he opposes the International Criminal Court, the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America -- the only criticisms you'll find reflecting wingnut conspiracy theories of black helicopters -- and NATO. International relations don't matter to Paul or his supporters, because nothing outside America is real, except Soviet ICBMs. And for that, he's more then happy to shovel tax dollars into the Raytheon furnace, paying for the colossal joke of missile defense. A program of such epic failure that not even the professional liars at the Pentagon can dress up this thirty-year-old pipe dream as anything resembling success.

But that's all really secondary to the true keyboard-jockeys passing for libertarians in this country. They're all for business deregulation and shiny, useless war toys, because as long as they are "free" they are happy. And you certainly will be "free" under President Paul, unless you're a woman. It was Paul who submitted the Sanctity of Life Amendment in 2005 to ban abortion at the federal level, an act that could only be explained by Christ-born insanity or brilliant subversion of the forced-breeding movement. Knowing Paul, it wasn't the latter. And he doesn't believe in evolution.

Deregulation, pork-barrel defense spending, oppression of women, hatred of brown people, isolationism, corporatism, rampant religiosity, and environmental ruin. Ron Paul is the second coming of George W. Bush, and he's waiting for you in 2009 2013!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Dick Joke Island

I realize I have been lax of late. While it took longer than expected to dissect the nerd phenotype several posts ago, I agree that is no excuse not to talk about the most pressing issue facing America -- Anthony Weiner's penis. Yes, nothing in the history of the Republic has been more important than the twitter-disseminated photos of some limousine liberal's private parts. I believe it was Roosevelt (though which one I forget) who said, "The only thing we have to fear is Weiner's weiner!" Nevermind that David Vitter, "The Shitter" remains in office after his much publicized infidelities with Canal Street hookers, or Larry Craig's insistence that taking it in the ass from men he meets in the bathroom totally isn't gay, Weiner's weiner is the most scandalous sex scandal in Congressional history.

And it distracts all you suckers from the GOP's major loss in New York.

One wouldn't think the district that includes Buffalo would constitute a major loss. This was the seat vacated by John Basedow wannabe Chris Lee so how important could it be? Well, how important was Senator Scott "I Drive A Truck" Brown's election? Remember that? The GOP wouldn't shut up about it as a referendum on Obama. Now they get their own referendum, a solidly Republican district for thirty years voted for a Democrat who was vocally opposed to the Ryan Bill, particularly the Medicare voucher nonsense.

If you didn't know about this, that's because it got no coverage in the national media. None. Hell, I only know about it because Beast writer Ian Murphy was on the Green Party ticket. He stirred up some controversy, doing such unheard of things as telling the truth and examining complex issues, so he never had a chance.

But think about that, folks -- a Red district turns Blue after the Ryan Bill appears on the national stage and that was with only 25% of the electorate showing up to the polls. What do you think is going to happen nationally if the GOP continues to pimp this randroid snake-oil?

Americans aren't stupid... No, they are stupid. Very stupid, but sometimes even they can see the scam for what it is. By pulling the safety net out from under their old, white base, the Republicans have made it damn clear that they don't care about poor people -- which to them is anyone making less than $500,000 a year. And if you saw the debate on Monday night you know how bad their presidential candidates are, so what's a bunch of soulless oligarchs to do?

Easy. Keep repeating "Weiner's weiner." Dazzle the peasants with dick jokes and maybe all the bad news will go away. That's the GOP's biggest handicap -- they're all just as dumb as their supporters.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Greater Wrongs of The Right

There were alot of fibs, falsehoods, and flagrant lies Monday night. It's expected in American politics that elected officials lie as often as the breathe but the sheer volume this time had to be record breaking. And while there were some real whoppers -- "Reagen Recovery" and everything Bachman said -- I'd like to take the time to examine the lesser lies. The insidious lies that have wormed their way into the collective consciousness and taken on the mantle of conventional wisdom.

First up -- Herman Cain fighting E. coli with downsizing. Besides the illogic of his position that payroll cuts at the FDA would somehow improve food safety, his solution rests on a demonstrated falsehood: cutting employment to boost executive profits and squeeze more work from remaining employees actually does neither. Studies of the downsizing frenzy that's been going so strong since the 80s (or as I like to call it, The Miserable Decade) indicate that not only were remaining employees less inclined to work but that net profits went down.

This is important because Cain is positioning himself as the classic American business success story. Built himself up on pizza chains, looks for practical solutions, all that jazz (though again I must agree with him on his deep dish policy) -- but he clearly embraces a practice that has been empirically proven not to work. Coincidentally, this puts him in the same field as the rest of the contenders who are pushing for a return to the psycho-capitalism of the Bush years that wrecked the economy in the first place.

And on that note, let's take a look at good ol' Ron Paul. I never drank the Paul kool-aid back in 2008 because his economic policies are medieval at best, but Monday night he repeated a falsehood I find particularly grating -- that Medicare is somehow insolvent and won't be able to cover future beneficiaries. This claim relies on the listener being completely ignorant of how Medicare actually functions -- for example, the program already contracts out through private insurance companies and has been doing so for years, one of the proposed "fixes" getting played up in AP stories online. But getting back to the point, Medicare not only is NOT insolvent, it CAN'T be insolvent because it is not some publicly held trust but an active program funded directly by taxes paid today. As long as American society exists and there's someone to tax, Medicare will function just fine.

Ron Paul -- wrong about everything...

Paul's claim to the contrary shows either he is just as mendacious as the Beltway insiders he and his cult so often ridicule, or that despite decades in office this man still has no idea how one of the largest and most popular of Federal programs actually functions. I'm inclined to believe the latter since Paul has also been pimping a return to the Gold Standard as the cure to all modern problems from inflation to slow porn downloads, but this particular bit of crazy isn't just another libertarian lie -- it's accepted as gospel across the political spectrum.

We've come to expect lies from our elected leaders. But when those lies take on the power of conventional wisdom, as a "truth" everyone reflexively recognizes, we're going to start doing horrible things to ourselves for no reason at all. Remember back when the Catholic Church thought it was better to torture someone into repentance rather than let them die with sin upon their soul? That was based just as much in fantasy as the drive to downsize and dismantle the social safety net. Cain, Paul, and really the entire GOP primary field are the modern incarnation of Torquemada. And we're the witches.

Monday, June 13, 2011


In honor of the GOP's premature debate, I'll be trying my hand at some live blagging. Such as it is. Every cable news channel is running its countdown to the main event, citing "strengths" and "weaknesses" but very little to say on "policy" and "grim reality." Already the US media is slipping comfortably into the ESPN mentality of how to report an election. And so a very familiar, very dumb song begins...

~ 7:51pm
Talk about premature! The elephants are starting their parade. They've set up a nice little stage for themselves but on of the graphics clearly reads "UNION LEADER." That doesn't mean what they think it means...

The talking heads are really pushing Romney. Conventional wisdom has set him up as the candidate to beat Obama. Because that's what democracy is about, "Just win baby!"

Tonight is supposed to be a brand new debate, thanks to the internets! Gee, I remember the same spiel in 2008...

Oh God! Santorum talks like such a wank! How'd he ever get elected to anything in the first place!?

Bachman... Gingrich... The crazy, it's too much... Bachman is claiming twenty-some foster children (that has got to be a scam)... Romney describes America as the hope for Earth because he's from Kolob... Fuck Ron Paul... Pawlenty is gay as sweaty balls because he opens with a reference to his wife... And some Uncle Tom rounds out the circus...

First question... From a retired Espanian professor? Asking about jobs? Herman Cain is desperately trying to be Wall Street's candidate...

Santorum is talking again. Apparently health care oppresses him. "Oil! Free the insurance companies!" Pawlenty looks like he wants to make out with Santorum...

Further, Pawlenty insists reality is defeatist...

"1000111001001000001111001010101001" says Romney...

Gingrich looks like an obese ostrich. And he just said "Reagan Recovery." I think my ear is bleeding...

Asked about Wall Street, Bachman officially declares she is running for president. Paul, with no more Bush Junta to rage against, can only fall back on libertarian cant. Poor, silly little troll...

"Who hates Obama the mostest?" Bachman looks less like a leathery scare crow. That must be alot of mascara...

These screwheads must be thanking Mammon for "Obamacare." It's the only thing they have to run on, and as the old saw goes, "Ah'm again it!" And that might be the wooden stake through Romney's heart since the worst aspects were lifted from his healthcare law. Yes, I'm mixing my metaphors but you try firing Op-Ed from the hip...

Gingrich fears giving poor people access to doctors will inevitably lead to Thought Police and -- Terry Cock!?

No, it's Paff or something. False alarm, Ricky...

Poor Paff/Cock. He didn't get the answer he was looking for. Or any answer...

"The Tea Party is made up of disaffected Democrats." And Bachman floats into the stratosphere by the power of her own hot air...

What the hell is a three-legged stool? Is that some sort of euphemism?

Herman Cain. Business class parasite, no proper leadership. So he's a shoe-in. Seems only Americans are still stupid enough to expect an executive to do anything but beg for a bailout...

I'm suspecting these questions were staged. They sent the manufacturing question to Paul so he could start babbling about flirting companies back to national production and some other bullsh -- Pawlenty grew up in a "meat packing town!" Haha! The closet-case jokes write themselves!

If you are capable of moving your company out of the country to avoid giving your employees health care, you are what's killing the economy...

Damn, Ricky ate his meth this morning...

"Right To Work" sounds an awful lot like "At Will" employment. That's when the law assumes you have a job -- even giving blowjobs behind McDonald's -- because you want to. And your boss can fire you "at will." It's designed to screw labor, so naturally the GOP can't stop singing its praises...

Intermission -- WWE splices in press conference footage of Obama to pimp their latest slapfest. Democracy is dead.

Paul is ideologically pure. "No government support for ANY industry!" And that's the end of his campaign...

Herman Cain was for TARP before he was against it. Just glosses over which administration "picked winners and losers..."

Why is everyone so worked up over the auto bailout? Oh right, because Real Americans get a paycheck from GM and Chrysler. Remember kids, the GOP wants to keep as much money out of your grubby peasant hands as possible. And they will, if you keep buying their "free market" blarney...

"All our problems are caused by unions!" tells you more about what class is over-represented in politics than anything else...

Oh no! Americans on the Salyut! How horrible they have to ride in the most efficient spacecraft ever invented -- which just so happens to be the product of a communist command economy...

Newt Gingrich wants to hand space exploration over to Weyland-Yutani...

So that squarehead asked another question -- "How does housing fixed?" "Duh, private sector! Duh! Der! Doy!" These cocksuckers would be unemployed if Americans realized how much of their comfort is thanks to Federal money...

Harrison "Uncle" Tom just said he would handle an E. coli outbreak like Germany's by downsizing the FDA. Studies now show downsizing causes a net loss of profits AND productivity. Look it up...

CNN wants to sell Romney. They gave him the honor of the deficit question and the camera panned across some young faces in the crowd during his canned response. He didn't mention that national debt does not function like personal debt because then the austerity craze would be revealed for the grotesque bullshit it is...

Intermission -- this democracy brought to you by natural gas. Because exploding the ground to get flammable chemicals is perfectly safe...

Did you know what you pay in Medicare taxes is NOT for your personal use when you're old? You're paying for current beneficiaries, just like the youngsters will pay for you. Medicare CAN'T become insolvent. But this is Ron Paul speaking and he's crazy as blazes...

"We recognize you're a hard working taxpayer and you've supported us all these years -- but fuck you." Thanks for the honesty, Pawlenty!

Gingrich was for the Ryan Plan before he was against it. One more, and we'll have a pattern...

Two types of people still think private enterprise is the answer to all problems -- billionaires and suckers. No wonder this ridiculously failed party is still commanding a national audience...

An hour in and I'd like to pause from the riffing to comment on austerity. This is the mantra only because the DoD budget is the biggest holy cow in American politics. We could very well keep fellating the worthless wealthy if we weren't spending so much to lose wars. ANYONE who tells you we need to make "hard choices" about the government services expected in a first world nation is full of shit.

The sheer mass of lies in this circus must have Jon Stewart making room on his shelf for another Emmy. "Thank you Moses for this glorious satire fodder!"

God do I hate people who talk about "entitlements" like they're something nasty and need to be cut out like a tumor. I take it personally, probably because as a twenty-something, I know these goobers are all arguing over how much of MY future benefits to cut. For my own good. "Gee, if I had entitlements I wouldn't love the taste of rat so much!"

You'll never get a Republican to admit to the secular Enlightenment principles that informed the Constitution, but I'd love to hear these weasels' private thoughts on Catholics... Or Greek Orthodox...

Fun Fact: Ron Paul introduced a Constitutional Amendment banning abortion. That there's the "liberty" candidate...

Herman Cain hates muzzies. And anyone who believes Sharia Law is a possibility in America is high on Allah's own hashish...

They're spending so much time on this because the Powers That Be have determined Uncle Tom to be an illegitimate candidate. So they can call him on his bullshit. And they contrast him with Romney to emphasize, "See!? Front runner!" And Gingrich is talking again...

Intermission --  I agree with Cain! Deep dish all the way!

Romney saying he likes spicey wings is the least believable thing I've heard tonight...

The American Empire is in rapid decline but OMGWTFBBQ the queers can get married! Bachman emphasises "I am running for the Presidency of the United States," as though this were a real issue. Paul gets credit for being dismissive, mostly because he doesn't know Methodists and Reform Jews have been using it for years.

Uncle Deep Dish Tom was for DADT when it existed, now that it's gone he's against it. Convenient. Romney is visibly uncomfortable even talking about it, so he might be a gaybot...

Wait, did Santorum just say gay soldiers should be punished? What sort of sick shit is he into!? Quick, talk up the anti-abortion stuff!

Really, we're into the stage of the debate where the candidates get quizzed on traditional GOP issues to make sure they're no heretics on the stage. There's nothing of substance here, just a bunch of oligarch-sucking reptiles trying to look all human and familiar to white middle-class losers.

I wonder how many coathangers have been sold in Minnesota since Pawlenty pushed through that legislation...

Blame the immigrants. They're just like the unions. They have all the power and wealthy white men are brought to heel by them...

Watch Ron Paul not answer questions on immigration! "We don't need government-provided healthcare when we have the Catholic Church! Afghanistan!"

Herman Cain almost admitted illegal immigrants are a labor issue that could be easily fixed by enforcing existing employment laws with companies that knowingly employ illegals because it's cheaper -- then remembered he's running for the Republican ticket and closed with a call to deport more brown people.

Gingrich speaking of "political elites" as if they're some Other, separate from himself... I'm sorry, but I have no words...

Militarize the border! It's humane and practical!

Aww, they threw Paul a softball. "Grr! Eminent Domain bad!"

Romney almost admits he's a communist, then remembers to pimp the oil industry. But he does a lukewarm job...

Government meddling in the economy is bad! Except when it's ethanol credits...

Navy sucks.

"We absolutely can bring troops home from Afghanistan when a Democrat's in office!"

Romney will not send American boys to do a job Afghani boys ought to do f'o they'selves. Thank you, Full Metal Jacket!

Paul is against war period. So how'd he even get here? The GOP must be desperate...

Also, al Qaeda in Yemen is like the Bowie Maryland chapter of the Hell's Angels...

"Invading Libya is bad because a Democrat did it! There's no threat! Republicans never start wars like that!"

When a Democrat goes to war, Gingrich worries about the cost. Iraq has already cost a trillion dollars. These people are shameless swine...

You can thank ideological purging of the intelligence services going all the way back to the "Reagen Recovery" for our knowing jack-all about anything anymore...

A brave soul broaches the subject of the DoD's cosmic budget. How did he get past security?

Santorum blames Obama for the long-existing military bases around the world soaking up billions of dollars...

Some Fakbook follower asked the debaters (debatees?) if they would "unconditionally support Israel if they were attacked." I hope said follower isn't also dumb enough to expect an honest answer...

Intermission -- This debate brought to you by a desperate oil industry trying to harvest some drops of crude from sand. From sand! People, the first step is admitting you have a problem...

Last question of the evening -- why do you all suck?

Fun Fact: Dick Cheney wanted to partition Iraq too.

I wonder if Cain feels weird being the only black guy in the room...

Paul says "Federal Reserve" one last time. King cuts Santorum's mic and there is much rejoicing. Gingrich blows New Hampshire. Romney tries to blow new Hampshire but, well, blows it. Pawlenty says something nonsensical because he's thinking of Santorum's sweet ass and who cares what the black guy thinks.

Good night and good luck America. You'll need it.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Fascism Is Rad! Or, Why No One Gets Verhoeven

Way back when he didn't suck, James Cameron made a sci-fi movie so original, so unprecedented, it's defined the genre since and netted Sigourney Weaver her very first Oscar nomination (she lost to some lady who played a sexually unfulfilled yuppie or something). I'm talking of course about Aliens, the first film to show us those ultimate badasses The Marines! in space. The best soldiers with the biggest guns in the galaxy, sent to do battle with murderous alien bugs!

And they lost.

Let me say that again -- the big, bad Colonial Marines, the prototypical Space Marines now so common to the genre lost. And not just in some deliberate satire of the genre, no, Aliens made the genre and at the very beginning The Marines! so popular in modern science fiction got their armored asses kicked.

Claw beats laser!

This was intentional. Cameron remains vocal about his intent to make a Vietnam War movie in space. The Marines! are a stand-in for America, charging into a hostile alien environment they don't understand and getting annihilated by a tenacious and comparatively low tech (in this case no tech) native population.

People didn't quite get the point...

But wait! over a decade later, her comes Paul Verhoeven with a blatantly satirical take on Heinlein's classic of cryptofascist fantasy! Look, he stuck Doogie Howser in a frickin' SS Uniform! Only idiots wouldn't get the joke!

There's no greater dicktator in the land!

Well, that certainly overestimates the awareness of the typical sci-fi nerd because the film stirred up an internet shit-storm of complaints about "inaccuracies." Because in the realm of pure fiction, with square-jawed supersoldiers fighting giant alien bugs, accuracy is a big deal. The most common complaint was, "Where's the power armor?" See, the MI in the book had these robotic suits to make them all uber kewl and despite claims of the novel being a nuanced treatise on citizenship, those apesuits are the only thing the fans ever cared about. Seeing the Troopers charge around like the cannon fodder a real fascist government would use just confused the hell out of people -- "Why are the Mobile Infantry acting so stupid?"

"Because they ARE stupid!" Was Verhoeven's very clear response but nobody would listen.

People didn't get the satire of Robocop either. They saw a ridiculous caricature of American corporatism and the violence of a police state culminating in Murder Machine Jesus as just another kick-ass action flick. This is because most people are what sociologists would call "fucking morons."

I WISH I was making this shit up!

There is a simple point to this -- I am out to deflate the smug superiority complex of common nerds. People who pride themselves on their intelligence but still embrace ham-fisted propaganda. People who have been picked last and picked on to such a degree that it has warped their sensibilities, giving them a burning need for the power fantasies satired by the above mentioned films. They don't see the satire because they don't want to, because to recognize it as such would be a crushing blow to their meticulously crafted wish-fulfillment. And worst of all, they are a disturbingly vocal demographic on the interenet and are currently the largest consumers of this crap. Their consumption sets the tone of the genre, much as Twilight has so utterly pussified vampires and werewolves, making things harder for legitimate horror novelists like yours truly.

So, whenever you see military sci-fi scribbling for sale or at the library, remember that picture of Herr Doogie and go read a real book. For democracy.