Whack-A-Pol

~7:36pm
In honor of the GOP's premature debate, I'll be trying my hand at some live blagging. Such as it is. Every cable news channel is running its countdown to the main event, citing "strengths" and "weaknesses" but very little to say on "policy" and "grim reality." Already the US media is slipping comfortably into the ESPN mentality of how to report an election. And so a very familiar, very dumb song begins...

~ 7:51pm
Talk about premature! The elephants are starting their parade. They've set up a nice little stage for themselves but on of the graphics clearly reads "UNION LEADER." That doesn't mean what they think it means...

~7:58pm
The talking heads are really pushing Romney. Conventional wisdom has set him up as the candidate to beat Obama. Because that's what democracy is about, "Just win baby!"

~8:00pm
Tonight is supposed to be a brand new debate, thanks to the internets! Gee, I remember the same spiel in 2008...

~8:01
Oh God! Santorum talks like such a wank! How'd he ever get elected to anything in the first place!?

~8:02
Bachman... Gingrich... The crazy, it's too much... Bachman is claiming twenty-some foster children (that has got to be a scam)... Romney describes America as the hope for Earth because he's from Kolob... Fuck Ron Paul... Pawlenty is gay as sweaty balls because he opens with a reference to his wife... And some Uncle Tom rounds out the circus...

~8:05pm
First question... From a retired Espanian professor? Asking about jobs? Herman Cain is desperately trying to be Wall Street's candidate...

~8:07pm
Santorum is talking again. Apparently health care oppresses him. "Oil! Free the insurance companies!" Pawlenty looks like he wants to make out with Santorum...

~8:08pm
Further, Pawlenty insists reality is defeatist...

~8:10pm
"1000111001001000001111001010101001" says Romney...

~8:11pm
Gingrich looks like an obese ostrich. And he just said "Reagan Recovery." I think my ear is bleeding...

~8:13pm
Asked about Wall Street, Bachman officially declares she is running for president. Paul, with no more Bush Junta to rage against, can only fall back on libertarian cant. Poor, silly little troll...

~8:14pm
"Who hates Obama the mostest?" Bachman looks less like a leathery scare crow. That must be alot of mascara...

~8:17pm
These screwheads must be thanking Mammon for "Obamacare." It's the only thing they have to run on, and as the old saw goes, "Ah'm again it!" And that might be the wooden stake through Romney's heart since the worst aspects were lifted from his healthcare law. Yes, I'm mixing my metaphors but you try firing Op-Ed from the hip...

~8:19pm
Gingrich fears giving poor people access to doctors will inevitably lead to Thought Police and -- Terry Cock!?

~8:20pm
No, it's Paff or something. False alarm, Ricky...

~8:21pm
Poor Paff/Cock. He didn't get the answer he was looking for. Or any answer...

~8:22pm
"The Tea Party is made up of disaffected Democrats." And Bachman floats into the stratosphere by the power of her own hot air...

~8:23pm
What the hell is a three-legged stool? Is that some sort of euphemism?

~8:24pm
Herman Cain. Business class parasite, no proper leadership. So he's a shoe-in. Seems only Americans are still stupid enough to expect an executive to do anything but beg for a bailout...

~8:27pm
I'm suspecting these questions were staged. They sent the manufacturing question to Paul so he could start babbling about flirting companies back to national production and some other bullsh -- Pawlenty grew up in a "meat packing town!" Haha! The closet-case jokes write themselves!

~8:28pm
If you are capable of moving your company out of the country to avoid giving your employees health care, you are what's killing the economy...

~8:29pm
Damn, Ricky ate his meth this morning...

~8:32pm
"Right To Work" sounds an awful lot like "At Will" employment. That's when the law assumes you have a job -- even giving blowjobs behind McDonald's -- because you want to. And your boss can fire you "at will." It's designed to screw labor, so naturally the GOP can't stop singing its praises...

~8:36pm
Intermission -- WWE splices in press conference footage of Obama to pimp their latest slapfest. Democracy is dead.

~8:37pm
Paul is ideologically pure. "No government support for ANY industry!" And that's the end of his campaign...

~8:38pm
Herman Cain was for TARP before he was against it. Just glosses over which administration "picked winners and losers..."

~8:40pm
Why is everyone so worked up over the auto bailout? Oh right, because Real Americans get a paycheck from GM and Chrysler. Remember kids, the GOP wants to keep as much money out of your grubby peasant hands as possible. And they will, if you keep buying their "free market" blarney...

~8:42pm
"All our problems are caused by unions!" tells you more about what class is over-represented in politics than anything else...

~8:44pm
Oh no! Americans on the Salyut! How horrible they have to ride in the most efficient spacecraft ever invented -- which just so happens to be the product of a communist command economy...

~8:45pm
Newt Gingrich wants to hand space exploration over to Weyland-Yutani...

~8:47pm
So that squarehead asked another question -- "How does housing fixed?" "Duh, private sector! Duh! Der! Doy!" These cocksuckers would be unemployed if Americans realized how much of their comfort is thanks to Federal money...

~8:48pm
Harrison "Uncle" Tom just said he would handle an E. coli outbreak like Germany's by downsizing the FDA. Studies now show downsizing causes a net loss of profits AND productivity. Look it up...

~8:50pm
CNN wants to sell Romney. They gave him the honor of the deficit question and the camera panned across some young faces in the crowd during his canned response. He didn't mention that national debt does not function like personal debt because then the austerity craze would be revealed for the grotesque bullshit it is...

~8:52pm
Intermission -- this democracy brought to you by natural gas. Because exploding the ground to get flammable chemicals is perfectly safe...

~8:54pm
Did you know what you pay in Medicare taxes is NOT for your personal use when you're old? You're paying for current beneficiaries, just like the youngsters will pay for you. Medicare CAN'T become insolvent. But this is Ron Paul speaking and he's crazy as blazes...

~8:56pm
"We recognize you're a hard working taxpayer and you've supported us all these years -- but fuck you." Thanks for the honesty, Pawlenty!

~8:57pm
Gingrich was for the Ryan Plan before he was against it. One more, and we'll have a pattern...

~8:58pm
Two types of people still think private enterprise is the answer to all problems -- billionaires and suckers. No wonder this ridiculously failed party is still commanding a national audience...

~9:00pm
An hour in and I'd like to pause from the riffing to comment on austerity. This is the mantra only because the DoD budget is the biggest holy cow in American politics. We could very well keep fellating the worthless wealthy if we weren't spending so much to lose wars. ANYONE who tells you we need to make "hard choices" about the government services expected in a first world nation is full of shit.

~9:03pm
The sheer mass of lies in this circus must have Jon Stewart making room on his shelf for another Emmy. "Thank you Moses for this glorious satire fodder!"

~9:04pm
God do I hate people who talk about "entitlements" like they're something nasty and need to be cut out like a tumor. I take it personally, probably because as a twenty-something, I know these goobers are all arguing over how much of MY future benefits to cut. For my own good. "Gee, if I had entitlements I wouldn't love the taste of rat so much!"

~9:06pm
You'll never get a Republican to admit to the secular Enlightenment principles that informed the Constitution, but I'd love to hear these weasels' private thoughts on Catholics... Or Greek Orthodox...

~9:08pm
Fun Fact: Ron Paul introduced a Constitutional Amendment banning abortion. That there's the "liberty" candidate...

~9:09pm
Herman Cain hates muzzies. And anyone who believes Sharia Law is a possibility in America is high on Allah's own hashish...

~9:10pm
They're spending so much time on this because the Powers That Be have determined Uncle Tom to be an illegitimate candidate. So they can call him on his bullshit. And they contrast him with Romney to emphasize, "See!? Front runner!" And Gingrich is talking again...

~9:12pm
Intermission --  I agree with Cain! Deep dish all the way!

~9:17pm
Romney saying he likes spicey wings is the least believable thing I've heard tonight...

~9:18pm
The American Empire is in rapid decline but OMGWTFBBQ the queers can get married! Bachman emphasises "I am running for the Presidency of the United States," as though this were a real issue. Paul gets credit for being dismissive, mostly because he doesn't know Methodists and Reform Jews have been using it for years.

~9:21pm
Uncle Deep Dish Tom was for DADT when it existed, now that it's gone he's against it. Convenient. Romney is visibly uncomfortable even talking about it, so he might be a gaybot...

~9:23pm
Wait, did Santorum just say gay soldiers should be punished? What sort of sick shit is he into!? Quick, talk up the anti-abortion stuff!

~9:24pm
Really, we're into the stage of the debate where the candidates get quizzed on traditional GOP issues to make sure they're no heretics on the stage. There's nothing of substance here, just a bunch of oligarch-sucking reptiles trying to look all human and familiar to white middle-class losers.

~9:26pm
I wonder how many coathangers have been sold in Minnesota since Pawlenty pushed through that legislation...

~9:27pm
Blame the immigrants. They're just like the unions. They have all the power and wealthy white men are brought to heel by them...

~9:29pm
Watch Ron Paul not answer questions on immigration! "We don't need government-provided healthcare when we have the Catholic Church! Afghanistan!"

~9:30pm
Herman Cain almost admitted illegal immigrants are a labor issue that could be easily fixed by enforcing existing employment laws with companies that knowingly employ illegals because it's cheaper -- then remembered he's running for the Republican ticket and closed with a call to deport more brown people.

~9:33pm
Gingrich speaking of "political elites" as if they're some Other, separate from himself... I'm sorry, but I have no words...

~9:34pm
Militarize the border! It's humane and practical!

~9:35pm
Aww, they threw Paul a softball. "Grr! Eminent Domain bad!"

~9:36pm
Romney almost admits he's a communist, then remembers to pimp the oil industry. But he does a lukewarm job...

~9:37pm
Government meddling in the economy is bad! Except when it's ethanol credits...

~9:41pm
Navy sucks.

~9:42pm
"We absolutely can bring troops home from Afghanistan when a Democrat's in office!"

~9:43pm
Romney will not send American boys to do a job Afghani boys ought to do f'o they'selves. Thank you, Full Metal Jacket!

~9:44pm
Paul is against war period. So how'd he even get here? The GOP must be desperate...

~9:45pm
Also, al Qaeda in Yemen is like the Bowie Maryland chapter of the Hell's Angels...

~9:46pm
"Invading Libya is bad because a Democrat did it! There's no threat! Republicans never start wars like that!"

~9:47pm
When a Democrat goes to war, Gingrich worries about the cost. Iraq has already cost a trillion dollars. These people are shameless swine...

~9:48pm
You can thank ideological purging of the intelligence services going all the way back to the "Reagen Recovery" for our knowing jack-all about anything anymore...

~9:49pm
A brave soul broaches the subject of the DoD's cosmic budget. How did he get past security?

~9:50pm
Santorum blames Obama for the long-existing military bases around the world soaking up billions of dollars...

~9:51pm
Some Fakbook follower asked the debaters (debatees?) if they would "unconditionally support Israel if they were attacked." I hope said follower isn't also dumb enough to expect an honest answer...

~9:53pm
Intermission -- This debate brought to you by a desperate oil industry trying to harvest some drops of crude from sand. From sand! People, the first step is admitting you have a problem...

~9:55pm
Last question of the evening -- why do you all suck?

~9:56pm
Fun Fact: Dick Cheney wanted to partition Iraq too.

~9:57pm
I wonder if Cain feels weird being the only black guy in the room...

~10:00pm
Paul says "Federal Reserve" one last time. King cuts Santorum's mic and there is much rejoicing. Gingrich blows New Hampshire. Romney tries to blow new Hampshire but, well, blows it. Pawlenty says something nonsensical because he's thinking of Santorum's sweet ass and who cares what the black guy thinks.

Good night and good luck America. You'll need it.