From the Vault: The Dog Ate My Bazooka

Originally posted August 5th, 2009

With the troops now mostly withdrawn from Iraq, we can look forward to a bright future of all the Pentagon brass-holes blaming anyone and everyone for their failures.

It's been in the works for years now, passing the Iraq Loss Ball. Even some "leftists" in this country jumped on the wagon, arguing how it was a good idea that got bogged down by the dastardly bastardry of the Dubya administration. This of course ignores the fact that it was an idiot imperialist project from the word go, but America is cursed with a mainstream morality defined by fire-breathing Protestant homophobes on one side and humanitarian Protestant losers on the other.

And the one issue neither of them will ever face honestly is just how effective our military actually is when it's in action. It's nice to think we have the best since we've ceded any hope of universal healthcare or other social programs to the massive Pentagon money hole, but the facts on the ground simply don't support such a view. True, we smashed through the standing Iraqi army in 2003 -- after over a decade of starving that whole country when not just bombing them for the hell of it. But, once the Saddam statue came down and we congratulated ourselves on being so cool, then every Ahkmed with an AK buried in the back yard started kicking our ass in a decentralized gang war. Conservatives, war fetishists, and other swine will claim this doesn't count because it's not real war, but that doesn't change the fact that we lost.

That's right kids, we lost! Just like Vietnam, no matter what those Chuck Norris movies try to say. And we're in for another decade of crappy propaganda and even crappier acting blaming the loss on Dubya and peaceniks and not shopping enough -- but never, ever will anyone blame the military that couldn't hack it.

Well not here! The rest of the country may be happy in it's delusions but we here are thoroughly against delusions, and more thoroughly against happiness! We lost Iraq because we sent over a bunch of kids loaded down with useless gizmos and the firmly indoctrinated belief it would all go like a video game. When they found themselves in the middle of a centuries old tribal feud, they didn't know the enemy from their own assholes. Hell, how could they? Most of our intel came from Iranian moles, not exactly a trustworthy source. And all those shiny jets, built to fight the Soviets in a war that could never happen, well they just sat on the runway waiting for the order to go vaporize a suspicious mule cart.

If you doubt the American war machine is a waste of meat and material, if you still cling to the stupid notion that we are some invincible giant, then just look at North Korea. It's the backwater fiefdom of some histrionic drag queen yet continues to brazenly screw with us. And get away with it! It took Bill Clinton threatening said drag queen with his massive member to retrieve a pair of American citizens captured and sentenced to slave labor simply so said drag queen could stick his tongue out at us and go "Nyah nyah nyah!"

You don't see little tin pot dictatorships trying this shit with Russia. Oh wait, you do -- and Russia cornholes them. Georgia tried stirring up trouble in Ossettia last year [at the time of this writing] and what did the russkies do? They curb-stomped Georgia so hard it's still in rubble. Now that's an empire! America's just a great big bitch.

Yob tyovu mat!