Whether it's from years of collective degeneracy or just some tireless gun-evangelist whackadoos, the gun debate was long ago won by the guns. Just look at Obama's initial position - or lack thereof, since until 2012 and its rage massacre renaissance he just didn't have one.
Didn't stop the crazies, though. Ammo sales went through the roof in 2009, necessitating price-hikes that the gun crowd immediately assumed to be a shady Big Gub'mint effort to curtail their rights. This is the same crowd that always gets economics wrong too, especially then when the Tea Party was also being midwifed by a cartel of minarchist billionaires. The nation hadn't been so collectively stupid since spring of 2003.
Not that it mattered. Because guns were already sacrosanct then too.
And not for any logical reason. Let's make that perfectly clear - in an open and honest debate, the gun crowd would be laughed off the stage because their arguments are completely ignorant of political theory. Like the whole liberty thing, as helpfully explained by the internet -
There's some other noise too, like that stuff about a well-regulated militia and hunting. No one with access to a grocery store or Viagra really cares about the latter and there's this thing called the Department of Defense taking care of the latter.
The only decent argument they have is the only argument they shouldn't have - security. This is indeed a dangerous country to live in, owing to the economic turmoil and easy access to firearms brought about by the same liberty-loving crowd. If not for the abject failure of the United States government to fulfill its most basic obligation - maintaining a safe and secure environment in which U the citizen may enjoy the rights afforded you by the US Constitution - you wouldn't have to worry about owning a gun so as to protect yourself from other gun owners.
Not that they'll phrase it that way. That would take some introspection and general fucking human decency. Not to mention divorcing themselves from the paranoid fantasies that are really at the heart of gun-love in this country...
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And now, a very special From the Vault:
So the DC handgun ban is lifted. My cousin Chino will appreciate that.
I don’t know how many of you reading this are familiar with The District, so I’ll just explain something up front: outside Georgetown and the national mall, it’s just Detroit. It has about the same demographics and the same level of violent crime as Detroit, and white-bread Jesus help you if you’re a honkey in Southeast. So with that out of the way, I’ll just skip any nuance and get straight to the point of this “victory” for the Second Amendment fucks: shooting black people. That’s it. There’s no Constitutional issue here. Poor blacks used to hold a monopoly on firearms, now the rich white people can shoot back. I know I’m oversimplifying things and I don’t care. And if you think hunting is even an issue here you’ve been shooting too much smack into your eyeballs.
But this just raises the larger issue of American gun culture – and yes, it is a culture. You get a certain crowd at the Dulles gun show just like you get a certain crowd at Anthrocon. And this certain crowd has one hell of an inferiority complex. Your basic nine-millimeter doesn’t look too fancy and is just fine for home defense or blasting empty beer bottles, and your basic nine-millimeter is the last thing on the shopping list of these impotent crackers. You can always tell who has the tiniest dick because he’s always carting around the Desert Eagle, a gas operated hand cannon that no one in the actual business of killing other human beings would be caught dead with.
Actually they would, because it’s loud, clumsy, and short on ammo so you’d die pretty fast in a real firefight.
But aside from the impotency issue (I mean that literally, check out the correlation between the decrease in sport hunting and the increase in viagra use) the biggest thing you never hear discussed is just how damn scared these people are. They’re terrified of wogs breaking into their gated community or trailer park and gay-raping them. They’re terrified of crackheads (but strangely never tweakers) doing crackheaded things like ODing in their garden. And they’re especially terrified of their own wives, because the ungrateful whores will get the court to take away their precious guns just for regularly beating them. Really, if you want to have some fun just turn an educated looking woman loose at one of these shows and you can hear these clowns pissing their Dockers. “Shee-it! Did my wife send a investigator here? I only hit her every other day! Aw damn, they gonna take away mah Uzi!”
I heard someone argue that owning a gun makes someone technically a member of the “well-regulated militia” named in the actual Second Amendment, just like America is technically a secular democracy. That is a huge steaming pile of bullshit. Assuming there is anything on earth capable of invading and occupying the continental United States, the mushy members of the NRA wouldn’t be able to protect us against hamsters. Hell, they wouldn’t even try! They’d load up the Escalade and burn rubber for Mexico, Canada, or the new viceroy’s office to get in good with the new bosses. Conservatives are hard-wired to obey, and if they own guns that only makes them a fifth column for silencing internal dissent.
Originally posted June 28, 2008.