A man ate another man's face in Miami. It happens. But just try searching for that - with no mention of zombies - and every result has fucking "Zombie!" in the headline. Even the guy in Baltimore who was more Hannibal Lector than George Romero is getting lumped in with them. Never mind Lector actually operated in Baltimore in those stories, so you'd think that would be the natural hook. Or at least you'd think that if you were a fucking grown-up. And if the past few days are any indication, even the thirty and forty-somethings on the internet are just fat boys.
But this got me thinking - why is everyone always jerking themselves raw over zombies? They're not sexy, like vampires. And not everyone has read World War Z, which is a surprisingly good book. So I got to thinking about what always seems to constitute a zombie story - gunplay, civilization in ruin, ragtag band of heroes making their own way...
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| For once I am ashamed of a pun. |
Yep, we're back in the fantasy land of reactionary twerps. The cannibalistic undead are just another excuse to run around playing survivalist. And it really is playing - lots of these stories devote themselves to scavanging and shooting but how many Dawn of the Dead knock-offs show the survivors planting a vegetable garden? Or trying to secure a living space near a water source?
Because that's what real survival would entail, all the boring logistics of preserving yourself - and your comrades, 'cause ain't nobody survivng long without somebody. But it's not as cool and sexy as toting a shotgun through an abandoned mall by yourself, smashing windows to grab whatever you like. Sure, you'll die of something modern medicine could easily prevent long before a zombie bites you but that's after the credits roll so it doesn't count.
It's all stupid. All of it! But stupid sells real well these days. Makes me want to vote for Romney just out of spite.
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