Wednesday, August 21, 2013


I don't like teenagers. Not even when I was a teenager. They're all self-righteous blowhards who can't hold their liquor or screw properly. The only humane treatment would be to administer some series of intelligence or aptitude tests and promptly euthanize all the failures.

And that's why I think Bully is just so darn neat. Sure, the acting is a joke, the directing is absent, and the editing is stroke inducing, but it portrays kids as the vile shitheels they are. It's a nice antidote to sugary pap like Juno - which I refuse to see on the grounds that it does not end with an abortion.

"Wooo! We have no redeeming qualities!"

Bully is the story of this screwy, kinda gay kid named Bobby who beats on his moron best friend, watches gay porn, and has ugly sex with some girl. She later claims rape because she was just cranky that he wanted to watch the gay porn while they did it, leading up to a really horrible pun about penis envy and encouraging a less discerning viewers to assume false rape claims are something common. Because movies don't lie...

This is all slapped together within the first thirty minutes to show just how terrible a bully this Bobby is. Except he's only bullying a bunch of deadbeat white kids who spend their whole lives high as balls. Whatever message the film may have been going for about how bullying screws kids up - a very necessary message, one that school administrators and parents still need to understand - all these kids were utterly screwed to start with, making Bobby just another muddler in the grand asshole parade. And to top it off, Bobby is the shown to be the only one of these clowns to have enough brains to take a shot at college and a future!

Like I said, it's a mess...

Unfortunately for Bobby, Moron's dopey "I'm so in love! And pregnant!" girlfriend decides they should kill him. And she's just stupid enough to see it through. Not to worry though, as she's just stupid enough to bring along half a dozen people including this one goon she insists is a mafia hitman despite living with his parents and scoring weed from his own little brother. Naturally the murder is a huge fucking mess, people running around screaming and only Moron, his clumsy hands guided by some dull-witted sense of injustice, manages to deliver the real killing blows.

"Me have element surprise on you!"

So the only interesting character is dead. Not to worry, because they crank up the stupid for the remaining twenty minutes with the little hooligans running off to tell all their buddies about how they, like, totally murdered this guy and stuff! Preggers Girl again proves to be the mental vacuum of the film as she brags about her bloody deed to a friend in that giggly, sweaty way so common to people who would sooner sniff glue then spend one minute straight. Then she asks if her friend will help her move the body because she's a goddamn idiot.

Naturally they all get caught, and naturally they all wind up in jail for the better part of their lives. The Opey-looking "mafia" guy tries to blow tough rhetoric out his ass, probably because it's so obvious it's about to get stuffed. The girlfriend eventually lays her egg, but no word on whether the kid is adopted or left in the prison daycare. They say Moron gets the chair, we can only be so lucky.

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