Wednesday, November 16, 2011

You Morons!

So the latest scare story involving those dirty teenagers is "butt-chugging" - it's like a beer bong but the tube goes up your ass. And for the ladies there are tampons soaked in vodka.

I'm just gonna say it - if you entertained these things as even possible for a moment, you're a goddamn retard. South Park was mocking this sort of stuff thirteen years ago (yes, that does mean people born when the show started are now old enough to write for it) with people shoving food up their butts and shitting out their mouths. A few years ago, Fox demonstrated their talent for self-parody by reporting on the "jenkem" phenomenon with stern seriousness. That was black kids getting high on fermented poop. Fox took one look at that story and naturally concluded, "Oh, those silly Negroes! What will they do next?"

If it was on /b it must be true!
But this latest nonsense, it's getting reported by other news outlets. Outlets that I assume have at least one person with access to Google, which if you ask will politely inform you that taking alcohol as a suppository will kill you. This part is true, in a Darwin Award way - this alcoholic couldn't keep anything down so he decided to take a whole bottle of Merlot rectally. And he fucking died. That's because alcohol is very toxic but gets scrubbed by the liver when ingested. Pumping it in the other direction bypasses the liver, sending that sweet booze straight to your bloodstream where it shuts down your nervous system.

If those naughty teens were really sucking beer and liquor through their nether regions, we would be awash in adolescent corpses. The fact that not one of these stories can point to an actual death should tip you off that it's, you know, a blatant lie.

People, if you're gonna keep falling for crap a CVS pharmacist could debunk in about five minutes, then not only has #OWS failed but deserves to fail. Why should you simpering apes get a fair distribution of wealth?

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